my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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