Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
