I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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