im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Screwed.edu
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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