So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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