Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
