last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
