I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
