Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
