So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
