I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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