Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
