i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
There are leaves in my underwear?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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