now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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