If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
