bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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