The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
