I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
