So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Found the puke drawer
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
