I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
