return my video game
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
