you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I stole a fireplace last night.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
