The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
