So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
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Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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