she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
