I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
