It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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