The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
