listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My feet surprised me
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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