I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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