we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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