From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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