If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
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