Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
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Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
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I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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