the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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