Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
