just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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