1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
