I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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