I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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