Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
