Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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