Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
