so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
