do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
