I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
