he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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