Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
True college students do jello shots in the library
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