He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
