Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
