I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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