I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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