Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
