the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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