I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
