Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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