four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
