TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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