Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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