I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
