If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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