She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
