if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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